Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
