can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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