I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
