my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
