I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
