you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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