I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
