Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
