my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
