I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
