Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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