How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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