I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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