Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
