I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
