You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
