Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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