somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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