You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Even my vagina gasped.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
