She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
