Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
