note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
