i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
