Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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