Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
