If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
