M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
