i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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