Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
