Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
