she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
