i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
