dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need to calm my uterus...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
