Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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