Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
