So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We smell like vodka and hangover
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