i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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