Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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