some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
