I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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