There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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