she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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