I wannas sexs uuuuu
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
