You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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