you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
