there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
