I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
