i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
