Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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