I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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