When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
