At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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