I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
