Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
