I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
