Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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