I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
